It has been said that hope springs eternal and I suppose that is true. If it were not true many of us wouldn’t even bother to get out of bed. While we seem to have the tendency to perpetually return to a place of hope many times I take the scenic route.
Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fufilled is a tree of life.” Who could have said this better? I have been trying to assign a word for the fatigue and fear that I have been feeling of late and there is no better description than heartsick. It is not a word I use in daily conversation but I find it to be more than fitting.
My body is strong. My mind is capable. My heart, I must admit is sick. What does this mean? Well, the dictionary says it means: sorrowful, depressed, despondent, hopeless. I would call these fitting definitions but this is not exactly what I mean. What I mean is closer to the equivalent of the flu for your heart (or hope). You know tired, achy, weak, in a fog, wanting to function normally but unable to do so. This is the nature of my heart. Not completely done in but definitely not ready to jump to the occasion of hoping again.
There are a lot of new things going on for me right now. Any new endeavor requires new hope or else why even begin. Some of the new are things I’ve decided to do. Some of the new, I wouldn’t characterize as ‘my choice’ but me or my family are doing them anyway. You know those things that are for your own good but don’t feel too good right now. Why they don’t feel good to me usually comes down to fear. Will I fail? Will this turn out just like the last time. Will I get hurt? How much more can one heart take?
Sometimes I just like telling God about my pain like a small child with a boo boo. You know that kid that reminds you about their skinned knee every chance they get. The one that walks with a very labored limp and has you put antibacterial and a new band-aid every 30 minutes. The one that says they’ll never ride their bike again. I have been that kid. God has assured me that He doesn’t mind. He’ll kiss my boo boo one more time and be waiting beside the bike when inevitably I get back on. Why do I get back on? Because a longing fufilled is a tree of life! I’ll take it one step further, it’s hard to even feel as though you are living life without hope. I don’t want a lifeless…life. So, I’ll stop going around the Mulberry Bush and accept life’s eternal invitation to hope…again.