This year I had quite the parenting epiphany. I would love to say that I had this revelation while praying quietly or that it came to me in a dream but sadly it did not. After a solid year of making reminder charts, lecturing, setting expectations, crying, praying and complaining it was said to me by the Children’s Minister at my church that what Grace(my 11yr.old) does or doesn’t do is not an extension of me. This did not seem true to me at first. I started reading parenting books and going to seminars while pregnant with this dear child. If I had learned anything it’s that you can screw this parenting thing up so you better do the right stuff. If you don’t do “the right stuff” your child can be irrevocably broken! What is this “right stuff”? Well, no one can exactly agree but you better do it!
I think parents walk around with a fair amount of guilt regarding what they are or are not doing for or with their children. While fathers may feel this from time to time guilt seems the constant companion for mothers, especially mothers working outside of the home. Now, add to that single mother working outside of the home. This is a perfect storm of guilt. This is where I lived for the first four years of Grace’s life. I felt like I needed to do everything just right so that she could beat those “single parent odds”. So that my poor decision making would not be something for which she would bear the consequences. I knew all along that there are no perfect parents or people but I couldn’t help comparing myself to others. Was I working hard enough, was I spending enough “quality time”, was she on track educationally, was I providing enough cultural experiences, spiritual enrichment…etc.
When I got married I still felt the same. My husband saw the emotional strain I was under and wanted to help ease it but both he and I didn’t know how. I did not even realize it was self induced. Still, 7 years later I did not see it. Because our children come into this world helpless we become accustomed to doing everything for them. Over the years we slowly let go and hand over some responsibility and they gain independence. This is a continual ebb and flow and a walk of faith. They make mistakes. Their mistakes sometimes have hard consequences, make them uncomfortable or cause them pain. This is the hardest thing. There is no way around it. Your children will hurt. You may see clearly that the pain is avoidable but sometimes they must learn it the hard way, for themselves. I had somehow convinced myself that if I was a better parent she wouldn’t make mistakes. Not true for my parents(they are amazing) and not true for me.
Realizing this is all at once liberating and fear inducing. I am not in control. Here is the thing, I never was. I once was at a church service where we were asked,” Why is it so hard to love people?” The answer, “we would much rather control them”. I hate to admit it but that is so true for me. Disgusting but true. The same is true for my relationship with God. I would much rather feel like I had some (really, all) control. All this faith requires so much trust. Control freaks are freaking out about this one all the time (me included) and calling it something else.
I am not perfect. Even if I were perfect, no guarantees my children would be. They are their own autonomous little(and not so little) beings. If you are not a parent this is not a news flash. If you are a parent it probably is. Since I have “let go” Grace has been on the honor roll and has been much more responsible(responding to the freedom). Her relationships with her friends seems to be flourishing as well. How could I not have seen this before? Probably just too close to and invested in the situation.
I am so thankful for grace and for Grace. I am thankful as well for forgiveness for myself, from myself, the hardest one to extend it to.
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