Vanessa Oates

Jun 24

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Run. And Have Fun?

By Vanessa Oates | Running | No Comments

I am prepping for my first summer outdoor run. Being new to running, I started last September, I have not had the opportunity to run in all seasons. Due to the fact that the YMCA here provides 10 hours of childcare/activities for people with family memberships I do a good bit of treadmill running. Remember when I say run, it’s technically a jog. Treadmill running gets the job done but is not what I prefer. I usually get outside once or twice a week in a “normal” week. Well, we went on vacation and I ran once while out of town. But I have been back at it on the treadmill for the last two weeks mixed in with spinning, strength training, yoga and pilates. So, yay, back in the saddle!

There are a few of things I have failed to mention which will make my first official summer outdoor run challenging. One, is that I live in central Alabama. And as they say, it’s not the heat that’ll getcha it’s the humidity. Two, is that I sweat more profusely than any other human being I have ever encountered. You may think, oh she’s exaggerating, everyone feels that way. No, ma’am or sir I have had quite a few people at the gym feel the need to comment on it. And no, I am not that inconsiderate person that doesn’t wipe down the machines. In fact I am usually overcompensating by wiping and re-wiping because I know the amount of sweat dripping everywhere is grossly offensive. Oh yeah, did I mention I breathe like Darth Vader (and that’s in air conditioning)? So, tomorrow I can look forward to heat, humidity, and copious sweat. Why would I hesitate to jump out of bed and hit the road?

Well, since I am nervous that I will hesitate I called in reinforcements. If I am not in place at 7am tomorrow I will be letting someone down. My running buddy and I have both been really busy and just running on our own so we are both glad for some company, accountability and encouragement. I,up until now, have been one to prefer running alone because it is one of the few times I am not focused on someone else. I think I have underestimated how important the social aspect of running is. Really up until now I have kind of miscalculated how important the social aspect of life is. Sad but true.

I love people and enjoy them immensely but do not make friends easily. I am by nature an introvert. I charge my batteries by alone time but still love to have a good time with friends. I have a strange sense of humor that sometimes is misconstrued. Also, I think if you are mousey and shy it’s okay. But if you are 6 feet tall people expect your personality to somehow match your stature. Which mine does, after you get to know me. Somewhere in my adult life I had given up on reaching out to people because I just felt hopelessly misunderstood. This is all really something for another blog, but I say all that to say, I am reaching out and looking forward to this social run. Now I just need to keep this momentum in other areas.

So tomorrow, me, the heat, and my running buddy. No pace keeping and running slow enough to talk and catch up and catch my breath. Not every single run has to beat my last time or distance. Have fun? I will try this new approach tomorrow. Half marathon training starts next month though so we’ll see how long this lasts.

Jun 21

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Ahhh, I Don’t Wanna Go to Bed

By Vanessa Oates | Random Musings | No Comments

The last time I looked at the clock last night was at 2am. I usually don’t go to bed that late but I don’t get to bed early either. Usually between 11:30 and 12:30. I told my husband at 11:30 last night that the late night madness had to stop…tomorrow, I said. We both laughed because I have been toying with this for months. I do well for about a week and then I am right back to my late night habits.

I have sound arguments for my late night ways. Firstly, I have done years of shift work as a server and restaurant manager. Now I have the heightened productivity of the kids’ post bedtime hours. I feel like a superhero after they go to sleep. Regular tasks that drag on all day due to incessant interruptions can get done in 15 minutes. Third, my husband usually works late either here at home or away. I have a hard time falling asleep without him and I usually want to catch up before going to sleep. And lastly, this is the only time in my day that no one is calling my name. It is the only time I can finish a complete thought. Well, that’s not true. At the gym no one is calling my name but I can’t finish a thought because all I can think is “breathe” on a repeating loop? Late night is my me time.

Okay, here is the part I am leaving out. On the cons side of going to bed earlier, I have a serious crash every afternoon at about 2:30 pm. Yes, I get my exercise, eat well and take my vitamins. There is just no substitute for sleep. Every person that I know that is really productive gets up early. I am not sure exactly what the connection is but I know there is one. Maybe I can have my me time early, right? Umm, sounds good in theory but kids have mom radar and no matter how early I rise within 15 minutes I have immediate company.

I guess I have been getting too little sleep for so long that I find it hard to believe I can get up willfully without the sound of a crying baby. My little Judah usually gets up between 5:30 and 6:15. I usually wake up to take care of him and go on to take care of people until about 8:30pm. To be in bed by 9pm feels like a race to wrap up the rest of my day in 30 minutes. Even if I were to be in bed by then I will just lie there and think because I have not had the mental time to process my day and shut down. My brain takes quite a while to “shut down”.

So, I will probably compromise and make my new bedtime 10pm. Technically this does not give me enough sleep for my boot camp mornings that begin twice a week at 4:30am, but it’s a start. I did it last night and had a little time to myself but wasn’t up until midnight. I have been trying to teach myself the meaning of balance my whole life. To those who don’t know these little compromises I make with myself are major triumphs. My all or nothing perfectionist personality plus my genetic predisposition to be just a touch OCD (ha-just a touch) doesn’t help in this, but knowing is half the battle right?

Jun 13

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Family Vacation Homage

By Vanessa Oates | Random Musings | 2 Comments

Couple Loading Luggage Into Car Trunk Today I honor all those brave and sacrificial parents who lovingly, willingly take their children on vacation with them. Especially those with toddlers (independent enough to get away from you quickly but no command of vocabulary). Double kuddos if you are a parent of twin toddlers or babies. A special reverence for parents of pre-teen or teenagers and shock and awe if all three. Where do I fit in, you guessed it, all three!

I have so many happy and funny memories from family vacations growing up. My dad was a pilot in the Navy so we vacationed one summer and usually were relocated the next. So virtually every summer growing up we had some big trip planned. I always looked forward to the trip. Both of my brothers and I love to travel and explore. I guess growing up the way we did we really had no other choice. We always looked forward to taking a trip. Of course I say now that I have so many happy memories but if I think a little harder there was plenty of motion sickness(me), whining, arguing, complaining, he touched me, she’s looking at me and he’s laying on my shoulder(3 kids, one back seat) going on. The worst events I can think of are the “funny memories”. Me fainting at the Ponderosa. Our new Volvo station wagon filling up with mosquitoes while at a rest stop and the white leather roof being spattered with dead mosquitoes and our blood for the rest of the trip. The RV trip to Yosemite where I tortured no one with the silent treatment after being nicknamed Motor Mouth. On that same trip my family discovered that I grind my teeth at night, not a fun sound to fall asleep to. The door flying open mid-flight as my dad flew us to Tampa in a very small plane and my younger brother trying to close it. I could go on and on. Even now I chuckle as I remember these things.

What I never really understood was how much work and planning went into it as a parent. Firstly, saving up enough money to go. As a kid you don’t know that paying off bills is super duper exciting for your parents! As we were setting aside money (Jeremy literally worked every day and night for the 2 weeks leading up to the trip) for our latest trip I was thinking about other things we could be doing with the money but those other things will always be there but your children will not always be children. I want them to have funny memories similar to the ones I have now. Secondly, the packing for the trip. Especially if you have really little ones and if you will be out of the country(Walmart run not an option). Just thinking about packing for the Bahamas and doing the passport thing was exhausting. Then I actually had to pack. Real necessities like diapers and wipes and felt necessities like blankies and favorite toys. Always with the nagging feeling that I am forgetting something. And lastly, just getting there. The drive, the flight the boat ride or all three. Being en route with your kids is an all hands on deck job within itself because they have no concept of time and need to know at every 5 minute interval what to expect (Ella, my 4 yr. old). All of this is applicable for one child and it multiplies for each additional child you take. So really parents, hats off to you!

Now that you have arrived in your destination let the fun begin! I learned on Mother’s Day that the average preschooler asks over 400 questions per day. Well, I am the proud parent of an advanced preschooler and on vacation I think it doubles. She needs to know everything you know about a place and situation and she needs to know now! The twins who are 19 months old need to touch and put everything in their mouths now! Unless it can be climbed on and if it can be they are climbing it now! Pre-teenager is sulking, I can’t keep up with the reasons. This is the go to mood for eleven year old girls but rest assured, you, dear parent are the cause. Are we having fun yet!

Just to be clear we had a blast. Kids and parents. Highlights: watching all the kids play in the sand at the beach, the girls making up cheers and putting on shows with their cousin, eating a picnic lunch everyday on our back porch because we’re too wet and sandy to come in and we’ll just go right back out, going snorkeling with the hubs at Paradise Cove, holding my grandmother’s cane so she can “get low” and watching my mom and dad play with the boys on the beach. And things that weren’t funny then but are funny now: waiting two hours for the rental car pick us up at the port, both boys having diarrhea on the 13 hour drive from Miami, Ella wetting her pants in the middle of the cruise ship dining room (never happens), and Grace after scowling for whole days declaring at the end of them how much fun she had. And with a bit of irony our favorite place to eat was this Bahamian Greek restaurant named Zorba’s.

All this week me, the hubs and the boys will be recovering from our trip while the girls are with my In-laws at Disney World (fluke scheduling). I know when they come home their first question will be, “When can we do it again?”. That’s the very best part!

May 24

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That’ll Get Your Heart Rate UP!

By Vanessa Oates | Random Musings | 4 Comments

This morning was different from most mornings for me because I was up and headed out the door for a workout at 4:45am. I do go to the gym most mornings but it is not usually before 8:30. A friend of mine is teaching a boot camp at 5am twice a week. It’s swim suit season so it wasn’t all that hard to twist my arm into participating. My main concern, sleep deprivation. I liken the level of sleep deprivation that mothers of young children live with to being a functional alcoholic. The sleeplessness is unhealthy, even dangerous but functional nonetheless. I am functionally sleep deprived. So a 5am boot camp, not helping.

I got up on time (no snooze button) and was tracking to be early. I grabbed my water and my phone and was headed out the side door. That’s when I saw…IT! As I was about to step out the door I looked down (I have no idea why) and there it was, a nasty little opossum! I slammed the door and somehow did not scream and wake up the whole house. If you have never come foot to face with a opossum you can’t possibly know how ugly these little buggers are.

I don’t do critters! My heart rate is up and my adrenaline is pumping. I have broken out into a sweat. I have the feeling that I can run the couple of miles to the park and make my best time ever! It took a few deep breaths to calm me down. I had been concerned about being sluggish and dragging through the workout but I was definitely wide awake. Maybe this is the way to start the day with gusto. Get the mess scared out of you and head right out the door!

When I got home I dramatically relived the incident for my husband. He grew up in the country so this seems very trivial to him. He could not understand why I was so hysterical. “A opossum can’t hurt you Vanessa”, he said. Can you believe he said that? I can’t believe he was trying to use reason against my obvious sense of terror. I told him I would NEVER use the side garage door again(sensible, I know). He soon realized how very serious this was. He told me he’d get online and find some sort of repellent. I asked him to take the garbage to the curb. I secretly thought this may be its new home.

I suspect that no matter how much sleep I get I will not be able to match today’s energy level for the next boot camp.

May 20

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To Dance or Not to Dance

By Vanessa Oates | Random Musings | No Comments

Grace and Ella have their dance recitals tomorrow. There is always that child in all the preschool routines that just doesn’t dance. Some even get so comfortable as to sit down while everyone else dances around them. Some are petrified, guided stiffly out on stage and then have a doe-in-headlight look for the entire performance. Others are simply not that interested in what’s going on. The bow on their shoe has suddenly become wildly captivating. Others just wave at grandma or grandpa the whole time. Whatever they do it’s pretty cute because they are pretty cute.

My preschooler, Ella is finishing her second full year in dance. She takes a tap, jazz, ballet combo. She loves to dance. At the practice recital in January she was the non-dancer. She is not shy. She doesn’t get stage fright and she was not distracted. The morning of the recital she was fine until I pulled out her costume. “I have to wear that!”, she shrieked. She said this as though she was unaware until that very moment what this dance costume was for. It had been hanging on her door all week. “It’s itchy!”, she cried. She burst into tears and hysterics.

I found something else for her to wear. I explained that she would have to put on the costume before her performance. Why did I think it would be better to have this meltdown in a public place? At some point in her life she will need to realize there is so much uncomfortableness in the world of women’s fashion. I guess I felt 4 was too young for this all too real reality.

I fought her clothes onto her in a public restroom and she pouted her way to her dance group. When they came out I knew, there would be no dancing from that frowny face. She stood there looking down with her finger in her mouth the whole time. When she returned to her seat her grandmother asked her what was wrong. She declared,”it’s itchy”, as though everyone knows this renders you immobile.

It would be nice if she dances tomorrow but not a big deal if she doesn’t. We’ll just see what happens. It is noteworthy that the costume is the same from January and with her last growth spurt I can barely close the back. So now, tight AND itchy! What are the odds she’ll dance? What do you think?

May 19

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Letting Go

By Vanessa Oates | Motherhood, Random Musings | 2 Comments

This year I had quite the parenting epiphany. I would love to say that I had this revelation while praying quietly or that it came to me in a dream but sadly it did not. After a solid year of making reminder charts, lecturing, setting expectations, crying, praying and complaining it was said to me by the Children’s Minister at my church that what Grace(my 11yr.old) does or doesn’t do is not an extension of me. This did not seem true to me at first. I started reading parenting books and going to seminars while pregnant with this dear child. If I had learned anything it’s that you can screw this parenting thing up so you better do the right stuff. If you don’t do “the right stuff” your child can be irrevocably broken! What is this “right stuff”? Well, no one can exactly agree but you better do it!

I think parents walk around with a fair amount of guilt regarding what they are or are not doing for or with their children. While fathers may feel this from time to time guilt seems the constant companion for mothers, especially mothers working outside of the home. Now, add to that single mother working outside of the home. This is a perfect storm of guilt. This is where I lived for the first four years of Grace’s life. I felt like I needed to do everything just right so that she could beat those “single parent odds”. So that my poor decision making would not be something for which she would bear the consequences. I knew all along that there are no perfect parents or people but I couldn’t help comparing myself to others. Was I working hard enough, was I spending enough “quality time”, was she on track educationally, was I providing enough cultural experiences, spiritual enrichment…etc.

When I got married I still felt the same. My husband saw the emotional strain I was under and wanted to help ease it but both he and I didn’t know how. I did not even realize it was self induced. Still, 7 years later I did not see it. Because our children come into this world helpless we become accustomed to doing everything for them. Over the years we slowly let go and hand over some responsibility and they gain independence. This is a continual ebb and flow and a walk of faith. They make mistakes. Their mistakes sometimes have hard consequences, make them uncomfortable or cause them pain. This is the hardest thing. There is no way around it. Your children will hurt. You may see clearly that the pain is avoidable but sometimes they must learn it the hard way, for themselves. I had somehow convinced myself that if I was a better parent she wouldn’t make mistakes. Not true for my parents(they are amazing) and not true for me.

Realizing this is all at once liberating and fear inducing. I am not in control. Here is the thing, I never was. I once was at a church service where we were asked,” Why is it so hard to love people?” The answer, “we would much rather control them”. I hate to admit it but that is so true for me. Disgusting but true. The same is true for my relationship with God. I would much rather feel like I had some (really, all) control. All this faith requires so much trust. Control freaks are freaking out about this one all the time (me included) and calling it something else.

I am not perfect. Even if I were perfect, no guarantees my children would be. They are their own autonomous little(and not so little) beings. If you are not a parent this is not a news flash. If you are a parent it probably is. Since I have “let go” Grace has been on the honor roll and has been much more responsible(responding to the freedom). Her relationships with her friends seems to be flourishing as well. How could I not have seen this before? Probably just too close to and invested in the situation.

I am so thankful for grace and for Grace. I am thankful as well for forgiveness for myself, from myself, the hardest one to extend it to.

May 17

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“My Name is Vanessa and I am an Overexplainer”

By Vanessa Oates | Motherhood, Random Musings | 4 Comments

The longer you live with yourself (if anyone knows any other way to live please let me know) the more ridiculous tendencies you recognize about yourself. I have been thinking about blogging for about four years. I have always kept journals that move in a cardboard box with me whenever I change residences. I think my husband is tired of moving this box from place to place and is bored with my nightly rantings, ravings and musings. He has been strongly suggesting that I blog for years. Most people I know think that this is a good idea. “Yes”, they say, “you should start a blog”. “I would read it”, a few friends have declared.
Other people reading it is precisely the problem. I have always journaled as kind of a therapeutic exercise. It clears my head, gives me a way to organize my thoughts, and gives me perspective when I read entries later. I never write for anyone else to read. This is as scary as it gets for me because if I think someone is reading then I will feel the need to explain EVERYTHING. The whole reason for this post is to admit that, yes I am aware that this is an issue and that I will do my best to reign it in. But I just couldn’t help explaining why I am blogging.

Okay, now for my second admission. My first post was just a way for my husband to make me start. I showed him a video and explained why I thought it was funny and he responded by saying that would make a good blog post. So, I posted it. Kind of like announcing your plan to lose 20 pounds, once it’s out there you must do something.

So, just to be clear I do not blog because I think I am so clever or witty. I do not blog because I am an expert on ANYTHING. I do not blog because I am a good writer. It is simply put for my own sanity. I have 4 children. Three of them are preschool age and are home with me during the day. Two are 18 month old twin boys. There isn’t a lot of adult conversation going on during my days. Most words spoken during my day are some combination of “no, stop, don’t, yucky” or just jibberish (from the children or me).

Most everyone agrees that no one is perfect but most everyone is uncomfortable with people viewing their imperfections. This is a big reason why I have stalled until now. I overexplain because I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want someone to think one sentence that I say or write could fully sum up how I feel, think or am about something. We live in such a soundbite culture that it is easy to be misrepresented. What if they think I…(fill in the blank)? Oh well, “they” probably will and that’s okay. We cannot live without being misunderstood. It is inevitable. But let’s be honest, who will be following this? To be misunderstood it would have to be read. I think I am in the clear.