Vanessa Oates

My 5 year old Ella exudes confidence. She is sure that everyone she meets wants to be her friend and is hanging on her every word. There have been just a handful of times that I can think of where her confidence had been shaken. She believes that she is smart, cute and funny. Why, because daily she is reminded of this by her parents, teachers and total strangers.

One of these confidence shaking experiences happened last summer. She was playing with other children at our local YMCA. Ella is very tall for her age and in mixed age groups often ends up playing with kids a couple years older. She also is very energetic and often ends up playing with the rowdiest boy she can find because what he’s doing looks a like a lot more fun than playing with dolls. On this particular day she was playing a game with another little boy who was a couple years older. Ella kept losing this game. Did I mention that she is persistent? Finally the little boy told her, “You’re a loser!”. Ella protested and moved on to something else but when I picked her up after my workout she was obviously deflated.

I gave her my best pep talk on our way home. We talked about how losing a game doesn’t make you a loser. The look on her face said that she wasn’t convinced. We had some lunch, she had her nap and woke up her old self. The next morning she was especially anxious to go to the Y. I just thought she had some extra energy to burn but really she had a score to settle. As I was getting her twin brothers out of their car seats in the Child Watch area I see Ella pulling something out of her backpack and marching her way over to the little boy from the previous day. What she had was her dance medal from her Spring recital earlier in the year. She was swinging that red, white and blue ribbon in this little boys face saying, “You see this? I am a winner! Winners get medals!”. I think she scared that child. I couldn’t hear what he said but when she was done talking she put the medal around her neck and they went back to playing (now that she had cleared that up for him).

I had not thought about this in a while and last week my pastor taught on insecurity and this memory came to the forefront of my mind. I have a lesson to learn from my little Ella. When people, my past failures, or those voices in my head make me feel insecure I should do just what Ella did. I need to go to the place where there is proof of my worth and abilities. What does the Word of God have to say about me and my situation? Then I can take the Word and silence those taunting voices (figuratively, I am not suggesting waving your Bible in someone’s face)! God did not spare his own Son to save…me! I have infinite value! Romans 8 says it best,

“31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:    “For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]  37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. “

At the beginning of this month I was standing silent after a time of worship during a Women’s Conference waiting on some encouraging word from God. What did I feel like He spoke to me? This simple sentence, “You are not enough”. Just thirty minutes prior I had checked in with my husband to see how he was faring at home with the kids and after our brief conversation I wondered if I should have spent the night away at a Women’s Conference. “See”, I told myself “things go crazy when you are away. You should be at home.”. This, never being away, a dear friend helped me understand was impossible. She actually had to ask me if my plan was to never leave the house again. I, actually had to think about my reply!

At first, the thought that I am not enough is disappointing. I thought I am doing the best I can and it’s not enough. That is utterly deflating. But then I understood what the Father was trying to get me to see. It is highly arrogant for me to really believe that I am the glue that is holding my family together. It’s hard not to feel that way but it’s not true. So many of the things that I make myself responsible for, in reality, I am not. This is joyously liberating! I cannot do or be enough to single-handedly carry the burden of disciplining my children; managing our finances; nurturing the family physically, spiritually and emotionally; cultivating a strong marriage; serving the Lord in our community; overseeing our kids’ educations; etc… In all these areas I have a responsibility but in all these things we also are not alone. Many of us have loving and helpful spouses that will help us bear the load(if we let them, i.e. don’t always rush home) and more than that we have a loving Father that longs to be present in every moment of life with us and bear our burdens.

In times when I have felt so overwhelmed it is usually because I have fooled myself into thinking that I alone am responsible for some thing, some person, some outcome or solution. When I have taken a step back I see that in myself I don’t really have the ability to “make things right”. And the pressure and stress that I am feeling is self-imposed. This is the moment when I can accept a divine invitation to rest. Two scripture passages come to mind:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened , and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”- Matt. 11:28-30

“…God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”- 1Pet 5:5b-7

When I am humble enough to know that I cannot bear the burdens of my life without God’s divine help His continual rest is available to me. I don’t have to worry or stress just do my best and rest in His unfailingly capable hands.

I don’t know what your days are looking like right now, but mine are pretty routine. Crazy, busy, but routine, mundane; filled with numerous tasks that will just be repeated tomorrow. Doing laundry, changing diapers, making lunches, sweeping, mopping, paying bills, making repeated requests that are systematically ignored, cooking dinner, checking homework, giving baths, reading bedtime stories, etc… There is very little time to think of myself, much less do something for myself. I am so grateful for a shower everyday. This 5 minute shower is my me time, even though it is often interrupted. It is a great pleasure and a privilege to be home with my children, but let’s face it there just is no boss like an infant or toddler. They will take the food right out of your mouth, and they will barge in on you in the bathroom. You are expected to come running (literally, running) at the sound of a moan, whine or shriek. There are no office hours, and you are always “on call”. Demanding doesn’t even begin to describe it. This is motherhood!

I believe there is nothing on earth like a mother’s love. She will sacrifice anything for her child, but often during the preschool years it is hard to know, in all this self sacrifice, how do I keep my “self”. It is very easy to have an identity crisis. Who am I, and just what am I doing? I have thought about jobs I used to have where I was paid to tell people what to do. My advice was worth money! These children get all of my direction and guidance for free, and still they refuse it!

So, how can I sacrifice myself and preserve myself at the same time? I am not sure that you can. I think we are still ourselves but just in a different season. We must allow our view of ourselves to grow and change. In all this we have an excellent example in Jesus. His humility is well… humbling. Phillipians 2: 1-7, says it this way,” 1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! “

I think most mothers instinctively put the needs and desires of their children first. We do this without thinking. But what is lost on us is how high this calling is. It’s hard to see where the “little things” we do daily have eternal ramifications… That this love that we show our children is in fact a ministry, and that we have the honor of being the first representation of Jesus our children will ever know. Okay, these are big shoes to fill, and in light of this truth our daily tasks don’t feel so mundane. It makes me identify with Christ and ask for his help. It makes me know that what I do needs the grace and power of God. It also lets me know just how much I am loved. For I too am a child who is often oblivious to the great love and sacrifice given for me to live this beautiful life in Christ.

So I don’t know what has got me thinking about this again but here I sit thinking about my listening skills (or lack there of).  It’s not that I don’t hear you.  I know what you’ve said and can recall it back to you word for word, days even years later.  A gift that my husband and children are not so fond of, but I digress.  The problem is that I don’t know if I am always present with the person who is talking.  Often something they’ve said leads me on some mental bunny trail or I am just so excited about my response to whatever they’ve said that I am already a million miles away to my next anecdote.

When we were dating my husband also found out that I can participate in and listen to more than one conversation at once.  Most women can do this, right?  We’d be sitting in our booth in a restaurant talking and as soon as there was a break in our conversation I’d say something about the conversation next to or behind us.  This, I do understand is rude and technically eaves dropping but I am not doing it on purpose.  They are just talking so loud!

I am also, with people whom I am very familiar, an interrupter.  I know, I know this is the worst.  EVERYONE, myself included, hates this.  As soon as it happens, I make an inward vow to never do this again unless someone’s hair is on fire (which has happened in my presence).  Some part of me turns into a overly excited puppy that is jumping up and down and can’t wait to ‘say my part’!  Totally and completely obnoxious.

I have been trying to figure out how to be more sensitive(not my strong suit) and tuned in to people and their needs and it all has to start with listening.  Really, listening.  Putting myself completely inside what is being said to me while it’s being said and until the speaker is wholly and absolutely finished.  Why is this sometimes difficult?  It seems that any decent person could do this but I guess that’s why it’s called a skill.  Skills can be honed so that gives me hope.  I can do this.  I will be a better listener this year.

Okay, now here is the real challenge.  I am going to start honing these skills at home.  Do you know how much children talk?  Often these important little people turn into background noise the more things they say.  We miss so much by just yeah, yeahing them.  I think humility is the key.  What someone else has to say has to be at least as important or if not more than what I have to say no matter who they are, even little people.  The opposite of this is of course arrogance and nobody wants that!