The last time I looked at the clock last night was at 2am. I usually don’t go to bed that late but I don’t get to bed early either. Usually between 11:30 and 12:30. I told my husband at 11:30 last night that the late night madness had to stop…tomorrow, I said. We both laughed because I have been toying with this for months. I do well for about a week and then I am right back to my late night habits.
I have sound arguments for my late night ways. Firstly, I have done years of shift work as a server and restaurant manager. Now I have the heightened productivity of the kids’ post bedtime hours. I feel like a superhero after they go to sleep. Regular tasks that drag on all day due to incessant interruptions can get done in 15 minutes. Third, my husband usually works late either here at home or away. I have a hard time falling asleep without him and I usually want to catch up before going to sleep. And lastly, this is the only time in my day that no one is calling my name. It is the only time I can finish a complete thought. Well, that’s not true. At the gym no one is calling my name but I can’t finish a thought because all I can think is “breathe” on a repeating loop? Late night is my me time.
Okay, here is the part I am leaving out. On the cons side of going to bed earlier, I have a serious crash every afternoon at about 2:30 pm. Yes, I get my exercise, eat well and take my vitamins. There is just no substitute for sleep. Every person that I know that is really productive gets up early. I am not sure exactly what the connection is but I know there is one. Maybe I can have my me time early, right? Umm, sounds good in theory but kids have mom radar and no matter how early I rise within 15 minutes I have immediate company.
I guess I have been getting too little sleep for so long that I find it hard to believe I can get up willfully without the sound of a crying baby. My little Judah usually gets up between 5:30 and 6:15. I usually wake up to take care of him and go on to take care of people until about 8:30pm. To be in bed by 9pm feels like a race to wrap up the rest of my day in 30 minutes. Even if I were to be in bed by then I will just lie there and think because I have not had the mental time to process my day and shut down. My brain takes quite a while to “shut down”.
So, I will probably compromise and make my new bedtime 10pm. Technically this does not give me enough sleep for my boot camp mornings that begin twice a week at 4:30am, but it’s a start. I did it last night and had a little time to myself but wasn’t up until midnight. I have been trying to teach myself the meaning of balance my whole life. To those who don’t know these little compromises I make with myself are major triumphs. My all or nothing perfectionist personality plus my genetic predisposition to be just a touch OCD (ha-just a touch) doesn’t help in this, but knowing is half the battle right?